New York - Singer/actor Frankie Valli today announced his candidacy
for the office of President of the United States, running on the
newly formed Harmony Party ticket.
When asked why he has decided to run, Valli replied, "It's something I've been thinking about for a while now. There's been a lot of negativity and rancor coming from the other candidates. I'm going to offer the American people an alternative agenda seeking perfect harmony within the brotherhood of man. That will be the underlying message that drives all my policies, including health care, education and especially the Middle East peace process." Regarding the threat of a rejuvenated Russia, Valli stated, "All I can say is that Putin's a fan."
Queried whether he thought his age would be a negative factor in his quest, Valli, 78, said "I'm not slowing down. I'm like that bunny on TV with the battery, who just keeps going and going and going. But now, instead of chasing the music, I'll be pursuing votes, trying to get to my new home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
As qualifications to handle the job of President, Valli referred to the ups and downs of his career as lead singer on a long string of hits with his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame group, The Four Seasons, as well as his success as a solo artist with such songs as "Can't Take My Eyes Off You," "My Eyes Adored You" and "Grease."
"I've been the recipient of that 3AM phone call, although until now it's usually been my Vice-Presidential running mate, Bob Gaudio, letting me know that he had a great idea for a song arrangement," said Valli, smiling. "But, seriously, for many years, I've had to manage my time, entertain thousands of people at a pop, make payroll for my musicians and crew, negotiate with some very tough characters, solve a lot of problems, handle responsibility. I paid off a million dollar debt not of my making. I'm as good as my word. I now offer to the American people the same kind of handshake deal I made with Bob almost fifty years ago – to share equally in the fruits of our combined efforts. I'll have a stake in what you do, and you'll have a stake in me."
Press Secretary Charles Alexander addressed the issue of possible scandals in Valli's past by saying, "If you want to find out about the skeletons in Frankie's closet, all you have to do is buy a ticket to "Jersey Boys." In fact, go several times, because each time you watch it you'll see something you missed before."
Alexander said Valli's election strategy will initially be centered on the states where he and Gaudio are best known. Gaudio, who will turn 70 shortly after the election, is the composer of most of the hits recorded by The Four Seasons and now lives in Nashville, Tennessee. Originally a Jersey boy from the projects of Newark, Valli should also do well in neighboring New York and in California, where he now resides; and, of course, there's Idaho.
In addition, Florida, with its large population of retirees from the Mid-Atlantic region, should be a strong performer for Valli. Alexander explained that Valli's campaign there will hinge on reaching out to the state's large number of female "seasoned" citizens. As he put it, "In Florida, Frankie's going to give the term "Romancing The 60s" a whole new meaning.
"We also know that Frankie has a multitude of fans in every state," said Alexander. "With his near-perpetual touring, he's made frequent visits to practically all parts of the country. He's enjoyed a great surge in popularity in the last few years, and has been selling out concerts wherever he goes.
"The phenomenal success of "Jersey Boys" has also generated a lot of interest among the younger demographics," Alexander continued. "High schools and colleges, show choirs and talent shows throughout the country are performing the songs of Frankie Valli and Bob Gaudio. If you look up "Jersey Boys" on YouTube, you can spend a day watching all the videos of these performances. So, with the energy and enthusiasm of this youthful brigade in his campaign, along with the generation that grew up with his music as the soundtrack to their lives, Frankie will build a strong coalition that will spread his message and drive voter turnout for the Valli/Gaudio ticket."
As he prepared to depart on his first campaign swing, Valli, in a prepared statement, identified campaign staffers and announced several prospective appointees in his administration:
Campaign Aides: Jean Thomas, Mikie Harris, Bernadette Carroll, Denise Ferri, Peggy Santiglia, Patti Austin, Chris Forde, Cheryl Ladd, Tobee Tyler, Sandra Diego, Franco Devita, Elyse Tramontano, Ronald Roach, Joy Johnson, Bill Witkowski, Joe Rinaldi, Tony "Whoppo" DiPasquale, Beatrice Marks, Larry Rightmer, Kevin Fletcher, Carol Merselis, Lisa Takakjian, Joseph DeMeo, Jim Henry, Steve Bailey, Ken Boni, John Rish, Karen Kruger, Gerry De Muth, Carolyn Murphy, Ilona Goncy, Cathy Lipscomb, Wally Patrick, David Clark, Walter Barber and over 360 online volunteers who have vowed to give their very best efforts to help him win the November election.
Public Relations – Along with Alexander (a former senior editor at TIME magazine with a strong interest in environmental issues) as Press Secretary, Valli will reach out to the public through Secretary of Blogging Susie Skarl and Internet Website Directors Frank Rovello and Stuart Miller.
Secretary of Defense – Joe Pesci
Valli says, "Anyone who's seen Joey when he's mad knows not to #&$* with him."
Attorney General – Bobby Valli
FBI Director – James Gandolfini
FEMA Director – Kevin Tighe
Co-Ambassadors to Great Britain – Lynn Boleyn/George Ingram/Ken Charmer
Ambassador to Italy – Joseph Labracio
Ambassador to Germany – John Paiva
Roving Ambassadors – Marshall Brickman and Rick Elice
Inauguration Arrangements – Charles Calello
Director, National Endowment For The Arts – Bob Crewe
Second Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Drug Education and Oceanic Affairs: Brian Wilson
Secretary of the Treasury – Valli stated, "That one's undecided as yet, but I can tell you who it won't be: Tommy DeVito."
Special Note: Any ideas for slogans, bumper stickers, etc., should be forwarded to the Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons message group on YAHOO until the official campaign website is up and running. Alexander says: "You'd be a fool not to."
In 2008 George O'Brien, a life-long Frankie Valli fan who was unhappy with the candidates vying for the nominations of their parties for President, decided that Frankie would make a great third-party candidate and wrote the above fan-fiction piece. We posted it then as an April Fool's joke and have re-posted it here exactly as originally written with two minor revisions: (1) updating of Frankie and Bob Gaudio's ages: they are each now four years older and wiser (2) removal of a reference to a famous political figure who is no longer on the radar screen.
George informed us that in the section of campaign aides he attempted to pay tribute to many people who had been associated with the group through the years, as singers, fan club administrators, contest winners (Elyse Tramontano won the Rag Doll lookalike contest), etc.
He did not mention one thing that we will mention here especially for those who are familiar with a memorable Kingston Trio recording.
This is NOT the George O'Brien that you need to vote for in order to get Charley off the M.T.A. However if you can locate Charley's wife, please suggest that she hands Charley a nickel through the open window instead of his daily sandwich.
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